i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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