every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
