Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
