if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
