is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.