My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I intend to get homeless drunk
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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