i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
