I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
