Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
