did you get engaged???
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
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What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
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Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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