my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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