the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
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I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
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Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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