omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
