I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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