Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
