so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
