i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
