i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
