My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
