um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Randomize
