i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
