Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
