someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
