I can text with my tongue
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
