fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
