I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize