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She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
