I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize