would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We smell like vodka and hangover
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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