Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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