last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
