Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
