last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
All the doctor said was why
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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