To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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