I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
