if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I believe in your delicious
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