If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
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the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
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God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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