planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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