If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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