Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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