Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
and you fell through a lawn chair
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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