is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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