last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
