We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
