Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Randomize
