If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
