I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
