Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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