turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
