So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
