I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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