but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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