Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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