today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
